Transitions, July 12, 2008

I couldn't stand it anymore.  I had to do a self practice (today is Saturday so rest day).  3 days off is enough and this will be a short week anyway with Guruji's birthday.  I got up at 5:30 and meditated in the Puja room.  I didn't warm up very much but just went straight into my practice.  I can honestly say that it was one of the worst practices I've done in years!  I was so stiff, I could barely move.  I skipped headstand, Setu Bandasana and I think a couple of others I was so pissed off.  Oh well, there are days like that.

Not only am I going through transitions in my life at the moment, the shala is as well and today it started to affect me.  All of the older students are really mourning the fact that Guruji isn't teaching anymore and that he's hardly around.  They miss him terribly.  I can understand why.  According to them their practices with Guruji were very intimate.  Not many people in the room and although he was very tough and strict he was also very very compassionate and kind.  

Sharath is definitely taking over and, as you would expect, is making his mark on the shala.  He's implemented an ID system (we have cards now which, apparently you never used to have) and if you didn't register ahead of time you cannot practice in the main shala (during Sharath's times) but rather you practice later with Saraswati.  Almost none of the long term (older) students have registered so there are some very experienced people practicing with Saraswati.  Senior teachers like John and Lucy Scott and other very advanced practitioners who are into 4th series.  None of them like it very much and most feel put out because of their long going relationship with Guruji.  I can completely understand how they feel and completely understand the grief they are processing with losing not only their teacher, but also a member of their family.  Many of these people were married by Guruji (including Peter and Jude) and he's been a central part of their lives for a very long time.

While I understand this I also have to distance myself from it.  I don't have this relationship with Guruji.  I was lucky enough to have practiced with him when he came to NZ in 2002 and got A LOT of attention from him but I don't have a relationship with him.  My teacher will be Sharath or another senior teacher to be determined.  My path will be different and it makes me sad on one hand, but as they say in India, "not good, not bad...just is."  That's definitely the position the older students are trying to take but it's difficult.

You can also see the struggle Sharath is having as a man who has inherited this legacy.  As men do (people really but especially men), he is trying to put his stamp on the way things are done.  He's also trying to cope with the shear number of students who are coming through and their demands (not to mention the fact that some idolise him).  He's struggling with his own stuff. 

So, there's a lot of "stuff" flying around at the moment.  People going through a number of different processes.  It will settle down.  Sharath will either grow into the role, or someone else (Saraswati?) will take over.  It will be interesting to see how it will unfold.  But it is definitely a time of transition.  Made worse by the fact that there is little else to talk about here...people will do what people do.  Some are just more dramatic than others.  Luckily I'm not around those.

I've started processing my own stuff as well.  I felt very lonely today.  I felt that I had to distance myself from these conversations so I went to breakfast by myself at Alias and met a very handsome man named Darragh. Very intelligent as well. originally from Ireland but grew up in the US. Yoga teacher and personal trainer by profession he came to India to study Ashtanga at the shala. I don’t know what happened but he said he “retired” from Ashtanga and is now studying another form of yoga (not to be found in the west). Not Hatha, I don’t really know what it is. But they do it in groups of 3 only and they do it for 6 hours a day. I loved his energy though. Very clear, very centred. We talked about our mutual non-admiration for George Bush. I ran into him at Anu’s for lunch as well but didn’t get a chance to talk. Now I find myself thinking about him and hoping to run into him tomorrow. Down girl! No sex in India, this is a spiritual journey.

We also talked a lot about the shit coming up for both of us. Nothing specific, just what a dedicated yoga practice brings up. For me a lot of it is about Brad right now. I find myself missing him. Missing his companionship and his love. He’s such a sweetheart, it’s really too bad I can’t have two husbands. Part of me was perfectly happy with him. Unfortunately the part of me that want to grow and experience what I’m experiencing was not. I can’t imagine being here and still being married to him. Our phone conversations would have left me so frustrated I wouldn’t have been able to dig as deep as I’m starting to.

I think I stiff have some stuff to process about our divorce. It’s not to the surface yet, but just bubbling away. I get the sense that I’m still trying to hold it together while I’m with Peter and Jude, although they would be perfectly fine with me not. Old patterns are hard to break.